Remember the many rules and regulations that our parents taught us when we were kids? For example: to arrive on time at the time agreed with others, to keep promises to others, to respect elders and teachers, not to contradict, good children should not lie, family scandals should not be publicized, etc. These are the principles of life that our parents taught us, and they all seem to be very right. We have kept these words in our hearts since we were young and followed them without doubting them.
As we grow up, these principles will gradually merge with each other, forming unique values for each of us. At the same time, we will gradually make a unique interpretation of these values based on our respective life experiences.
For example, our parents taught us to arrive on time at the time we agreed with others, so that we are "a man of time and keeping promises." Therefore, in our minds, "arriving on time" may become the standard of "cherishing the time and keeping promises". Therefore, the value of "cherishing the time and keeping promises" may be unilaterally interpreted by us as: if I fail to arrive on time, it means that I am not a person who keeps my promises on time. Therefore, when there are special circumstances that prevent us from being able to make appointments on time, anxiety will arise in our hearts, because we have violated our values of "cherishing the time and keeping promises".
One of my clients told me that she gets nervous every time she goes to an appointment and leaves early, preferring to be the first to arrive at the appointment rather than being late. Because her father taught her since she was a child that only those who cherish the time and keep their promises can gain the trust of others and be entrusted with important responsibilities. Therefore, in order not to be late, she unnecessarily sacrificed her precious sleep time, got up early, set out early, and tried her best to avoid the risk of traffic jams on the road. In order not to be late, she was worried all day long, always calculating the time, and even rushing to eat, for fear that a situation would cause her to be unable to be on time. This kind of life made her feel tired and anxious. She just wanted to avoid social activities as much as possible. Over time, she also felt more and more lonely.
This is what we have left behind, the bondage from the family, which we call the "mind control" of the original family. We have followed it since we were young, and we have always felt that it is right, but we don’t know that it may just be a one-sided interpretation of our values, and anxiety often arises from it.
Think about it, in fact, we have family "mind control" everywhere in our lives. In addition to the example of cherishing the time and keeping promises just now, there are many more.
For example, our parents told us that words must be counted, and commitments to others must be fulfilled. Only in this way can we be an honest person. So, the question is, what if some promises cannot be fulfilled, even if we try our best? Are we still honest people? Do you feel anxious and ashamed about it?
Furthermore, our parents told us that we should respect our elders and not contradict them, otherwise it would be a sign of ignorance. So, what if in some special cases it contradicts the elders? Will it be uneducated? Will you be remorseful?
Also, my parents said that family ugliness should not be made public and would be laughed at by outsiders. But what if one day we accidentally reveal it to outsiders? Does it mean that he has become a traitor to the family? …All these family rules sound very reasonable, but if you go a step or two further, you will see that they bring a lot of stress and anxiety.
So, how can we get out of the "mind control" of these families?
The following tips are for reference. When you feel anxious, take a minute to calm yourself down to think and recall: "Why am I anxious? Is my anxiety related to some underlying family rule?" When you think of it, put it write down. Then, say to yourself, "I have choices. I can choose to follow these rules, or I can choose to violate them. And even if I violate them, I'm still a good person." You can add Put on the values you like, such as "Even if I'm late, I'm still a time-honored person" "Even if I don't keep my promise to everyone, I'm still a person worthy of being liked by everyone" "Even if I I accidentally made a family scandal, and I am also a person who loves our family very much" and so on.
You can repeat the above exercises many times. In this way, by modifying your internal language, you can break free from rules and dogmas, get rid of the "mind control" of your family, and get rid of anxiety.
Who we are should not be defined by rigid rules, but by our hearts. Whether you choose to follow these rules or not, you are good enough for yourself.
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