Is irritability innate?
American female journalist Grace Siddon came to China in 1920, and in the book "Chinese Lanterns", she described the last queen Wanrong in her eyes: The
queen looks very delicate. According to Chinese calculations, she is seventeen years old. According to our Algorithms are only sixteen years old. She approached gracefully, swaying like a hyacinth, stretched out her thin, cold hand, and greeted me in English: "Nice to meet you."
She wore a lavender-purple frayed silk gown embroidered with symbols The royal blue peony, she looks more slender, she looks straight at me generously, her lips are full, her smile is gentle, she has a beautiful aquiline nose, an oval face, smooth skin, and just the right amount of rouge and lipstick.
She's really pretty, and she's alluring.
In the eyes of a Western woman, Wan Rong, who was about to leave her family on the eve of her wedding in 1922, grew up in a prominent family. Her grandfather, Xilinbu, was a guard at the gate of Yipin Yinsheng; her father, Rong Yuan, was a first-class captain of light vehicles. Minister of the Interior, advocates equality between men and women, and believes that girls should receive the same education as boys. The mother's family is more honorable. The biological mother, Aixinjueluo Hengxiang, died when her daughter was two years old. Her father continued to marry her cousin and the second daughter of Yulangbeile, the minister of military aircraft. They all have royal family names. The stepmother is cheerful and decisive, treats Wanrong as her own, and is very doting.
Wanrong's girlhood was very happy, she was carefree and had almost no reason to be angry.
Many people think that impatience and temper are innate, and they are accustomed to making excuses for themselves when they are angry, saying, "I'm naturally impatient and violent." "I can't do anything about it!" forgive.
In fact, except for a few pathological factors, most people's anger is not innate.
Just like Wanrong, judging from her experience in Girls' Generation, she is not naturally irritable and neurotic, so when did she start to change? The answer is after marriage.
In his autobiography "The First Half of My Life", Pu Yi mentioned his own body problems. When he was young, the eunuch in the palace liked to gamble and drink, but the emperor needed to be vigilant at night, so the eunuch and the maids studied how to make the little emperor sleep soundly, and taught him about men and women early on. He was in puberty and lacked the guidance of elders around him, but he was misled by the eunuchs and palace maids, resulting in his life being unable to complete his married life and unable to bear children.
Puyi described his wedding night 40 years later: "How did Wanrong feel when she was left alone in Kunning Palace? What was Wenxiu, who was under fourteen years old thinking? I didn't even think about it."
Due to physical problems , the emperor was absent from the wedding night, he left the bride and went back to his own bedroom in the Hall of Mental Cultivation alone.
At first, Wanrong used some fashionable hobbies to relieve loneliness.
She loves to play tennis and team up with Puyi to play mixed doubles against her younger brother Runqi and Puyi's teacher Johnston; she likes small animals, in addition to cats, dogs, sheep, and a five-color parrot left over from the Cixi era, Wanrong taught it Say good morning in English and feed it melon seeds; she likes to take pictures, wears luxurious headdresses, and fiddles with cameras and flowers in the atmosphere of the imperial palace; she also learned to play the piano in 1923.
However, these entertainments still did not make her happy, and the attendants often saw the queen frowning. The hustle and bustle on the surface could not heal the loneliness in her heart. Wanrong learned to smoke opium again, and even had a special eunuch serving the queen to smoke. By then, she was already smoking 8 puffs after every meal.
However, Wanrong was still unhappy, so she found an "enemy" for herself and vented her anger at this "imaginary enemy".
The anger circled in a circle, and finally burned himself out.
This enemy is Concubine Shu Wenxiu.
Wenxiu's father was the head of the House of Internal Affairs. After his death, his family declined. After Wenxiu was elected as Concubine Shu, his family situation improved greatly. Wanrong is 3 years older than Wenxiu. She is still self-controlled towards others, but she is extremely domineering towards Wenxiu, her rival in love.
I picked one for everyone to experience—
Ms. Ai Lian Hui Jian (Ai Lian is the alias Wenxiu gave herself after she entered the palace):
I haven't seen you for a few days, do you still feel sorry for yourself? Yu Jin is thinking of buying a bright mirror to prepare for the shadow of Gu Jun. I read a song, and smiled back: Ms. Ailian is auspicious, Ms. Ailian plays the piano well, Ms. Ailian sings well, and Ms. Ailian is getting better. Did Ms. Ailian take medicine? Ms. Ailian entered well and pulled well. Good night to you!
How can this letter, quite frankly, be written by a queen? She is just a willful, jealous, and a little bit bullying little girl.
Wanrong also likes to satirize Wenxiu in her poems. Once she wrote a poem called "Peach Blossom Song", and I also picked a few sentences from it - "Peach blossoms have ringworms on the peach blossoms, the peach blossom mouth is like an orchid, the peach blossom teeth, Like Ye Yan, peach blossom lips, like a blood basin", which means: Wenxiu, you are really ugly, your teeth are ugly and yellow, and your mouth is as big as a blood basin.
To be honest, if I hadn't seen the real historical records, I couldn't believe it was written by the well-educated Wanrong.
However, Wenxiu has never taken away Puyi's company. Like Wanrong, she has never had a relationship with Puyi. She neither has the noble status of a queen, nor does she have the strength of her parents' family to back her up. Judging from the situation at the time, is Wenxiu worth Wanrong's anger? Not worth it at all.
The fault between the two was not in Wenxiu, but in Wanrong's very low anger point and naive way of getting angry.
In 1924, the Zhili warlord Feng Yuxiang ordered the expulsion of the last emperor Puyi from the Forbidden City and canceled all favorable treatment for the royal family. On the morning of November 5, the National Army surrounded the palace and ordered Puyi to move out within 3 hours.
In February 1925, Puyi and his family arrived in Tianjin and lived in Zhangyuan and Jingyuan for nearly seven years. During this period, the conflict between Wanrong and Wenxiu reached its peak, which indirectly led to the deterioration of her relationship with Puyi. Embroidered out of the royal family, Puyi was very annoying, and Wenxiu was also extremely dissatisfied with Puyi's favoritism towards Wanrong.
In this stalemate and suffering, Wanrong suffered from a variety of chronic diseases, neurasthenia, allergies to the wind, more severe eye disease, and an increasing addiction to opium. Living in Tianjin for 7 years, she has been seriously ill 3 times. Various differences made the conflict between Wanrong and Puyi public, and the two only met during dinner.
On October 22, 1931, Wenxiu and Puyi divorced, and Wanrong got what she wanted on the surface, but in essence, her husband and wife relationship with Puyi dropped to a freezing point.
The face-loving last emperor lost his face because of being "divorced". He passed on his anger to Wanrong, believing that Wanrong's jealousy caused Wenxiu to leave, and he ignored her from then on.
What really broke the relationship between Wanrong and Puyi's husband and wife completely stemmed from the legendary fornication incident. Empress Wanrong was put into a "cold palace" and became mentally ill. From 1935 to 1945, she spent a long 10 years in a hellish "cold palace". Until 5 am on June 20, 1946, Wanrong, who was forty years old, died of illness in Yanji Prison. She had no relatives by her side. The prison conditions were so poor that several prisoners wrapped her body in a kang mat and carried her to the ditch outside the east wall. .
The two most important reasons lead
to Objectively speaking, Wanrong's tragedy is the cause of the times. However, only a very small number of people can change the general environment of the times, and the vast majority of ordinary people can affect nothing but the small environment around them. Wanrong's tragedy also stemmed from her own character. She couldn't control her anger, and she couldn't express or channel it, and was eventually engulfed by anger.
What is "easily irritated"? It means that, faced with the same thing, some people can manage their emotions well, and some people can't manage them well. Wenxiu and Wanrong lived in almost the same environment, but Wenxiu was very stable, able to sort out her emotions clearly, and knew that the source of the conflict was not Wanrong, but Puyi and the court system. Of course, she was also depressed, but she did not change from loneliness to anger, then to jealousy, and finally to neurosis and mental illness because of smoking and self-torture. Wenxiu’s daily arrangement in the palace is as follows: after grooming in the morning, she will go to Puyi’s bedroom to say hello, then go to the queen’s and four concubines’ bedrooms to say hello in order, and then go back to Changchun Palace where she lives to close the palace door for embroidery, or teach The palace maid can read and write, and at the age of fourteen she lived a more regular and Buddhist life than others at the age of forty.
From Wanrong, we can see that the two most common causes of anger are fear and stress.
Wanrong couldn't handle her relationship with Wenxiu well, she was jealous at every turn, and she was jealous for no reason, which was largely due to her inner fear. She regarded Wenxiu as an "imaginary enemy" and was afraid that Wenxiu would replace herself. s position.
In addition to fear, chronically accumulated stress can also lead to anger. Wanrong and Puyi have been a nominal couple since their marriage, and Wanrong has always been missing in love. But Wenxiu is also facing the same situation, and her living environment is even less optimistic. After the three of them left the Forbidden City, Puyi was abolished and became an ordinary citizen. The imperial concubine, in an embarrassing position, has no status, and has to bear Wanrong's run.
According to common sense, isn't the pressure on Wenxiu even greater? How is Wenxiu made?
She knew clearly that she could not pin her hopes on Puyi, so she resolutely chose to divorce Puyi. In Chinese history, she was the only woman who dared to give up the emperor for thousands of years. She did not talk about it, but hired three most famous lawyers and directly submitted the divorce petition to the court - this incident became a breaking news at the time, and was called the "Knife Concubine Revolution" in history. The concubine refers to Wenxiu.
It took a lot of courage in those days.
Wenxiu's divorce should be a reminder to Wanrong that even if the marriage with the emperor is unhappy, there is still a solution. However, Wanrong was reluctant to give up her queen's halo and chose to continue to endure it, still pinning her life and future on this "husband", but Puyi couldn't even control her own life, how could she protect her?
Wanrong couldn't see this clearly, and she didn't know how to deal with the distressed emotions in her heart, so what should she do? She intensified her opium smoking, and her relationship with Puyi continued to deteriorate, completely destroying her own health, as well as the already indifferent love in her marriage.
Four effective ways to deal with anger The
real anger management is not to let people suppress their anger, but to understand the underlying causes of anger and learn to express inner dissatisfaction in a healthy and constructive way.
The following is a list of anger management, with 4 points:
1. Observe the signs of anger in time and relieve emotional impulses in time;
2. Improve the "emotion granularity", identify subdivisions, and accurately resolve your anger;
3. Be vigilant in
4. Use anger as a tool instead of simply venting, and use anger to show your bottom line of principles and personal boundaries .
Learn not to be provoked by irrelevant people What is the ending of
Wenxiu ?
Wanrong's once hated rival, Wenxiu, resumed her real name Fu Yufang after her divorce. She is a teacher of Chinese and drawing at the private Sicun Primary School in Fuyou Street, Beiping.
But it didn't take long for someone to learn that she was Wenxiu, the "imperial concubine" who divorced Puyi, and she immediately became a news personality. Major newspapers rushed to report it. Resign. Even, because of the exposure of her "imperial concubine" status, she could no longer live in the house she rented, so she had to take out the last sum of money to buy a bungalow to live in and concentrate on learning Chinese painting. She was immersed in the sustenance and fun of her new life, and she rejected all suitors who thought that she must have a lot of possessions when she was an imperial concubine.
When the Anti-Japanese War broke out in 1937, Wenxiu's life became increasingly difficult, and she had to sell her house and rent a house. She used to make money by pasting cardboard boxes at home, and even worked as a coolie in a bricklayer team, and sold cigarettes on the streets.
In 1947, she married Liu Zhendong, a loyal major of the Kuomintang, and they had a very harmonious relationship.
On September 18, 1953, Wenxiu suffered a myocardial infarction and died at home, surrounded by her loving husband Liu Zhendong.
For the rest of her life, Wenxiu can freely arrange her life according to her own way. She usually does not get angry, but the fire that is very important in life (referring to the anger when implementing the "Maze Plan" before divorce) is just right.
She didn't scatter the energy of "anger" on trivial things that weren't worth it, but accumulated it, encouraged herself to complete an impossible challenge, and reversed her fate that was too difficult to change.
The emotional value of people is very precious. Learn to calmly deal with worthless provocations, learn to use a smile to make yourself happy first, and no longer be irritated by the other party's words and deeds, so that you can spend time on really important things. Just like what Kazuo Inamori said: I can still hear people scolding me on the 10th floor, but I can't hear it at all when I reach the 100th floor.
When you're not on the same level as a provocateur at all, you'll never see him again.
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