The "over-the-limit effect", your pushing, intensifies the child's rebelliousness.
Many parents will find: children move slowly and procrastinate, just by pushing can not change anything, and even the more you push, the slower the child.
Later, I read a quote from psychologist Hu Shenzhi: The more a mother pushes, the slower her child moves, tying her shoelaces, eating, writing, all getting slower and slower. This is actually the child's attack on the mother, or rather, it is the child's counterattack against the way the mother treats herself.
It dawned on me that this is the same as the psychological "limit effect".
Our children, if they are stimulated by the outside world too much, too strong, or too long, it is easy to produce a very impatient or rebellious psychology.
Therefore, it is important for parents to control their own mouths if they want to change their children's dawdling.
For example, when I decided to control myself and not to rush him, at first my son continued to dawdle. But after half an hour, he looked at the clock and realized that he hadn't done his homework, so he took out his exercise book and started writing in a rare way.
It turns out that there are times when silence is better than sound. Why not let go of the nagging and let your child take charge, so that he can be responsible for himself and also reap the joy of growth?
"Positioning quick-impact experiments" to refine goals and improve your child's efficiency.
The other day in the group saw a mother sent to help voice: "I am really going crazy, this is more than ten o'clock, he has not finished his homework, other children have gone to bed, he dawdled." I have mixed feelings after listening to this.
Nowadays, children really have more homework than usual. Language, math, English, sports ...... everything has to be punched and everything has to be gone over. Just like every time my son came home, the homework list opened, is the arrangement of all kinds of fine details of each subject. Not to say he looked dizzy, even I, too, did not know where to start for a while.
Psychologists Rossi and Henry have done an experiment to prove this phenomenon.
The students participating in the experiment were divided into three groups and went to a village 10 kilometers away.
The first group of students, not knowing where the village was, followed the guide for less than two or three kilometers and began to complain.
Halfway through the walk, more and more students complained, and the negative emotions spread rapidly.
In the end, the whole group was depressed and collapsed.
The second group of students knew beforehand that the destination was 10 kilometers away.
They just followed the guide and had no idea where they were going or how long they had to walk.
Therefore, some people also began to complain, and the walking speed became slower and slower.
The situation was very different for the third group of students.
They not only knew where the destination was, but also could see the road signs and had a good idea of what to expect, and walked smoothly, and eventually all of them completed the task.
This is the famous psychology "positioning quick effect experiment".
This shows that children's dawdling and procrastination are related to unclear goals and long processes.
So after discussing with my son, I made an adjustment to his study.
Every day, I found out which assignments he had to complete, helped him break them down into small goals, and then estimated the approximate time needed for each goal, so that he could have a clear idea.
I gave feedback on each short-term goal as it was completed.
By doing this, I not only eliminated the tension and stress of completing all the homework at once, but also set aside time for my son to relax and get back into the swing of things.
Over the course of a few months, my son planned his homework well on his own before each assignment, and his efficiency slowly improved.
When the child took down small goals again and again, it was also a high time for him to gain a sense of accomplishment and regain confidence.
The "Tsaignik effect" reduces the difficulty of the task and reduces the child's psychological burden.
In "Super Parenting", there was a 12-year-old boy named Long Wei. He scored 27 points on the test, was in high spirits when playing the game, but yawned and was unable to do his homework.
When he saw his mother's nervousness under the pressure of his mother's questioning, his hands had nowhere to put them, so I couldn't help but pinch a cold sweat for him. It is reasonable that a child as old as he is would not deliberately procrastinate on his homework. But from his nervousness and anxiety, we can see that the key to his delay in finishing his homework is that learning is hard for him.
Don't just judge that your child likes to dawdle, it most likely has to do with the difficulty of what he is being asked to do.
This is also pointed out by the "Caiagnac effect". People are much more impressed with tasks that have not yet been completed than with those that have.
That is, those things that can not be completed temporarily because of the high difficulty, but will be irritated and tormented because of the "worry".
The key to getting things done quickly and efficiently is to reduce the child's mental burden so that he can have a relaxed and comfortable state.
Once I understood this, my approach was to let him start with the simple and easy things first.
For example, if he recites English words quickly, I let him finish this assignment first; usually after completing one or two simple assignments, he will obviously find a sense of accomplishment and gradually relax and not look as difficult as he did at the beginning.
Once he was relaxed, he was able to focus and work faster on math or other difficult subjects at the end.
After about two months of this approach, I knew that every child has potential, and if I used the right approach and inspired his desire to improve, he would be willing to spend time and energy on the most difficult tasks.
The "Law of Natural Punishment" turns initiative into passivity and allows children to bear the consequences themselves.
In her book, education expert Yin Jianli tells an example of a mother who had a good business but struggled to guide her children to do their homework properly.
It was only by chance that Yin Jianli heard the mother's words urging her child to write his homework and instantly understood: "You already owe your math teacher three homework assignments, and you owe your English teacher two more, so if you don't write today, you'll owe even more!"
There is nothing wrong with reminding your child to write faster. But the way the mother speaks and the tone of her voice will only make the child feel that the homework is the teacher's, not mine.
Moreover, the child will think: It doesn't matter if I finish or not, I have my mom to rush me anyway, so I'm not afraid.
I have stepped into a similar misunderstanding before.
After learning the "Law of Natural Punishment", I decided to let go.
One time, when it was bedtime, my son was still absorbed in playing with Lego and didn't write a single word of his English homework.
I didn't rush him, but simply reminded him that it was "time for bed" and turned around to go back to the house.
The next day, he was severely criticized by his teacher for not doing his homework, so the first thing he did when he got home was to do his homework, and he didn't dare to play anymore.
There is a proverb that says: Wisdom comes from experience, and experience comes from missteps.
The law of natural punishment is to let children experience the consequences of dawdling and understand that dawdling has a price to pay. From there, they will constantly realize their responsibility, adjust their pace, master the right approach, and keep consciously speeding up.
Watching my son's growth over the past year, I have come to realize more and more that my child is not naturally chronic, and he does not mean to procrastinate.
It's just that sometimes, he can't keep up with the adults.
As the saying goes, teaching a child is like leading a snail on a walk.
So, don't rush, give him a little more time, a little more love.
Believe that he is already moving as fast as he can, and all parents can do is to accept him with unwavering love, guide him patiently in front and let him find his own pace.
In time, the child will definitely radiate his own light.
