No one is born to fall in love, and there is no such thing as a person who will fall in love at a young age. Being in love is an art, and falling in love is also a compulsory course in life. Let us "practice" love with Teacher Yu Feng!
I guess you must have seen this kind of thing. The two have a good relationship, and finally broke up and broke up, but you ask the reason, but it is very strange.
One of my friends is like that.
Recently, she broke up with her boyfriend. I asked why. She said that her boyfriend was too reckless and didn't consider others. As long as she wanted to do it, she could do everything in the public.
I asked, why were you with him in the first place? She said that because she was timid and cowardly, she thought he was courageous and could protect herself. Who knew he was so reckless.
I said, have you discovered that what you like and what you hate is actually the same thing? She said yes.
The reason why couples break up is so strange and so common: the point that attracted you the most at the beginning has become the biggest obstacle in the relationship in the end.
Two people are together because he only loves me and wants to possess me strongly, while the reason for separation is that he is too jealous and possessive; two people are together because he is confident and always radiant. The breakup was because he was too arrogant...
In fact, about 30% of the breakups were because the first attraction became the fuse for the breakup. This is called fatal attraction.
Why is this so? It's simple, because you are "not similar."
In fact, two people are mostly because of similarity, which means that we all like people who are like ourselves. There is only one exception, that is, very different dissimilarities will attract two people together, but in the end they often break up because of this difference.
How did this process happen? Let's talk about them one by one.
Let attract each other like
First is similar.
Similarity creates interpersonal attraction. Two people are attracted to each other not because of complementarity. The similarity of personality, viewpoint, value, experience and even initials will make two people attracted to each other. This situation is particularly common in daily life.
For example, I am from Wuhan. It is easy to tell where I am from by accent when others are chatting with me. I have heard the following close-ups-
"Teacher Yu, I am also from Wuhan!"
"I went to university in Wuhan."
"I also went to Wuhan the year before last." The
most funny one is: "My mother has been to Wuhan. "Your mother's trip to Wuhan has nothing to do with me, but I know that you are looking for similarities with me.
I think no one came up and said: "You are from Hubei, are you? Coincidentally, I am from Henan." This dissimilar feeling does not bring favors.
Of course, deep-level similarity is more useful than shallow-level similarity, that is, the same values or views on certain things make it easier for two people to attract each other. This is a kind of like-minded, like-minded feeling, and harmony is the key to attraction.
It’s not a bad thing that a college teacher and a bar DJ fall in love, but in the eyes of most people, they are more or less surprised because they are not similar. Similarly, you probably won't find someone completely different from yourself.
So, why can similarity produce interpersonal attraction? Because similarity makes people feel emotionally happy.
for example. You shared a point of view, and someone immediately agreed, saying that it really touched my heart. Do you feel very happy to hear him say that? If someone comes out to refute at this time, even if he is right, you will feel very uncomfortable, right?
Similarity greatly increases the likelihood of happiness, and greatly reduces uncomfortable feelings. By the same token, if you like a person but don't agree with him, it is so uncomfortable!
In fact, many people take the initiative to exaggerate the consistency of their opinions with their partners to seek psychological comfort, just to make themselves feel happier.
In addition, similar emotional aftereffects are a sense of reciprocity. Reciprocity tells us that we like people who like us. Similar people like each other, and both sides have emotional after-effects.
This is also the reason why many people ask the same confusion—"I treat you so well, why don't you like me?" It is true that your kindness to others will increase their goodwill towards you, but it is more that you treat others. Good impression, because you invested in sunk costs.
Differences make love challenges, emotional denial and alienation because
then it is different.
Why does the existence of dissimilar characteristics produce the initial attraction? Because it is easy to capture your attention, you will be caught by events that are extremely contrasting with yourself, which will produce a feeling of love.
Earlier we talked about the impact of similarity on the generation, development and even persistence of feelings. Therefore, we will eventually be separated because we are too dissimilar, because dissimilarity is an inherent obstacle.
So, what if there are external obstacles? It will become a catalyst. Just like others told you not to think about white bears, there will be a white bear in your head now; like Romeo and Juliet, if they weren't blocked by someone, they might not have loved them a long time ago. This also explains why many people like people they can’t get.
Obstacles will become the reason why people are attracted to each other. Studies have found that when the bar is about to close, it is a time when hormones break out and dating climaxes gradually, because there is no chance after closing, which is an obstacle. When you watch Korean dramas, the episodes of blindness, amputation, family disagreement, etc. are all performed in turn, and these are obstacles.
You may ask, is it possible that two people are dissimilar at first, and then become more and more similar after gradually running in? This is also possible and inevitable.
A good relationship makes people become more and more similar. This is not only reflected in the increasingly similar values of the two people, but may also be reflected in daily trivial things, such as accent, intonation, attitude, and actions.
More importantly, two people stay for a long time, not only are they easy to resemble each other, but they also like each other more. This is a very good cycle, and it is also the reason why two people need to run in and meet each other frequently when they are in a long-distance relationship.
There is another very important reason why two people have to run in and see each other often-we like the people around us. In Festinger's early research, he wisely discovered that college freshmen make friends with people who live nearby. The ratio of two people who are separated by four rooms on the same floor becomes friends is one quarter of that of a room separated by one.
Accessibility is only near. We have done research before and found that even if Gao Yuanyuan and Liu Yifei are willing to marry you, you will choose the Banhua in your class because she is within reach. The simple exposure principle of psychology tells us that if you don't do anything, shaking in front of others 15 times will leave you with more good feelings in their hearts than shaking them 5 times.
Inherent to make love longer
about what kind of people we would like, in addition to and similar to themselves, and their own different and the people around them, there is a possibility that people always want to choose who the public believes the United States, wealthy , People with outstanding external conditions as partners.
However, we are all ordinary people, and we are all afraid of rejection, what should we do? Find someone who matches you. What is matching? It is to find someone who is similar to yourself in all aspects.
To some extent, matching is the most important. Although we all like beauty, the matching of looks, resources, and opportunities can better reflect reciprocity. As mentioned earlier, the feeling of reciprocity will make us love each other more.
When there is no other good way, what should I do if you want others to like you? This is usually done in film and television dramas-madness is good to people, bears the burden of humiliation, and finally touches the other party. I want to say, don't do this.
Of course, on the basis of similarity, we will still like beautiful people. People always have a thick filter for beautiful people. They feel that beautiful people are more kind, more interesting, stronger, more outgoing, more calm, and get along better. They think they will have better personality and higher Reputation, a better marriage, a more successful social and career, a more fulfilling life, and even beautiful people earn 5% more than ordinary people, and beautiful professors will get higher evaluations than ordinary-looking professors.
So, here comes the question: what to do if it doesn't look good? Anyway, I don’t think I can make it into an Internet celebrity face. Research has found that the average face is the most beautiful. Those with two eyes occupying half of the face and a pointed chin poked to death are not beautiful. Research has also found that if the devil’s makeup is unrecognizable by others, it will also be judged as unethical.
I am not advocating plastic surgery by saying this. In fact, no matter how beautiful it is, it is only an auxiliary condition for people to choose a spouse. We like people who are handsome, beautiful, and sexy, but we also like people who are financially rich, have social status, and have a stable life. Most importantly, we like people who are enthusiastic, loyal, trustworthy, friendly, kind, outgoing, and understanding. These personality traits are more important than external conditions. Studies have found that wisdom, humor, friendliness, and reliability are what we value most when looking for a partner.
Therefore, instead of looking anxious, it is better to temper your wisdom, practice humor, show kindness, and become reliable. Only in this way can you meet someone you like him and he also likes you, and it will be easier to live a happy life.
