Friend H, a civil servant, is known for his "high emotional intelligence". He speaks and does everything in a comprehensive manner, and his work is very well maintained up and down.
He didn't complain about running errands and doing miscellaneous tasks. He was very comfortable drinking and communicating with the leaders. Leaders are willing to take him wherever they go, and the experience is just two words: okay.
There are three brothers in the H family. He is the youngest and the busiest, but he always asks him if he has anything to do. He buys medicine to repair the plumbing and pays the electricity bill. The first call must be made to him. Because "the eldest and the eldest are not good at doing things, but also like to pick thorns. This little son is happy and fine."
However, the old lady didn't know that her little son was actually ill.
I once got a software for self-checking depression. H was very interested and tested it by myself. The result was: mild depression.
He was quite happy, saying that it was only mild, but I thought it was severe.
I was surprised. I thought he was in such a good state of mind, not to mention severe, not mild.
He said, don’t think I’m usually very high-spirited, but I’m actually very tired and stressed. I often can’t sleep at night, so I ran on the balcony and smoked two packs of cigarettes. Sometimes I really feel powerless, biting my head. For example, when I accompany the leader out to dinner, I’m the youngest person in the audience, so I’m responsible for the active atmosphere, serving tea and pouring wine, drinking and vomiting three times by myself, and I have to go back to the table to block the wine for the leader. For example, my family and colleagues ask me to do things. Some things seem simple, but in fact they are particularly difficult, so I have to do my best for them. Basically, I eat at home no more than 3 times a week, and I spend very little time with my wife and children. Thinking about it, I feel guilty, but I really can’t help it.
2
Later, I thought, H is the pleasing personality (the psychological personality theory does not actually have this term, it should be a “pleasant” coping posture to be precise, but the meaning is similar).
Such people are particularly prone to give people the impression of "high emotional intelligence", because they are sensitive and delicate, and can always capture the feelings of others, and they are overly concerned about other people's views of themselves, hoping to leave a good impression on others, so they will Desperately to satisfy others, responsive to requests, do not want others to have any unpleasantness.
Therefore, people who get along with him will feel very comfortable and believe that he has high EQ.
It’s just that everyone can’t see that while he is satisfying you, he is actually wronging himself. He suppressed his feelings and ignored his inner needs. He was not happy.
Is such a person high in EQ? Of course not.
The basic definition of emotional intelligence actually has two aspects. The first is "recognizing and managing one's own emotions and making oneself harmonious", and the second is "recognizing and coping with other people's emotions and making interpersonal harmony."
A person desperately tries to please others. I am living in depression and fatigue, so I can’t be considered as having a high EQ anyway.
For example, if you compete with a colleague for a promotion opportunity, you see that the other party wants you to quit, so in order to satisfy him, you voluntarily give up. This is not high emotional intelligence, this is stupid.
So I particularly dislike the phrase "High EQ is to make others comfortable".
This view is too narrow. If you ask others in this way, you are ignorant and selfish. If you ask yourself in this way, you are disrespectful of yourself and irresponsible.
The real high EQ should be to make others comfortable while making yourself comfortable.
3
Once I had a meal with my teacher, she had a bad stomach and couldn't drink. Everyone at the table poured white wine, and the people persuaded her to drink some too (you know the enthusiasm of Chinese people to persuade wine), but she patted her stomach and said, "I really want to be drunk with you, but this stomach Ah, so disobedient. I discussed with it for three hours before I came. People said no, if you dare to drink, I will let you vomit blood. I still have to listen to it. Last time my brother got married, I had a drink. Red wine, I really vomited blood when I turned around." "Actually, I was very happy to see you today. Now I am very excited and very confused. It is estimated that drinking some plain water can also drink the mask."
Everyone laughed. Then the teacher held the boiled water to change the cup with us, and there was no unpleasantness in the audience.
Later, the teacher told me that she would not drink alcohol when she ate with the leader. She really couldn't push her over, so she just sang a song to tell a story. In short, she should not hurt her harmony, nor would she resolutely violate her stomach.
I think this is really high EQ.
The American psychology master Cohut put forward a word: resolute without hostility.
Simply understand that when we face the expectations of others and cannot satisfy them, we should firmly refuse. At the same time, we must be able to appreciate the psychology of others and understand the source of his expectations and how they feel after being rejected. So I choose to express my position in a gentle and friendly way.
Being able to deal with the world and being able to be "resolute without hostility", neither wronging oneself nor making the other side uncomfortable, is considered a master.
4
It’s easy to say it, but it’s too difficult to do it alone. In many cases, the expectations of others and their own wishes conflict with each other.
For example, a friend wants to borrow money from you, but you don't want to borrow money.
If we always follow the principle of "make others comfortable", we may have to swollen faces and fill up the fat and make it difficult to borrow. Of course, we will be happy with others and make it difficult for ourselves.
This kind of "make others comfortable" behavior has nothing to do with high emotional intelligence.
The real high EQ treatment should be the following:
either borrow happily, and then adjust your mentality so that you are willing to accept it happily, without getting angry or worrying. Either you don’t borrow, and tell the other party clearly and softly that you value your friendship with him, understand his difficulties, and really want to help him, but you are also carrying a mortgage, and the deposit in the card is only 3 digits, which is really insufficient. Please forgive him. Either make a compromise choice. For example, the other party wants to borrow 100,000, but after you measure it, you feel that you can afford to borrow 20,000. Then you can give him 20,000 after explaining the reason.
If so, neither side will be too awkward.
In contrast, the practice of low EQ is: obviously borrowing, but a lot of complaining nonsense, so that the other party feels your great reluctance, and it is not happy to take the money, and you are giving money in your hand and cursing in your heart. Mother, it is not pleased to pay the money in the end, and it is even more unpleasant. Or, you didn't take care of the other person's feelings at all, and refused so coldly, that you felt that you were ruthless and unrighteous, and you no longer want to interact with you, so you both lost a friend.
For one thing, dealing with both trauma and internal injuries is typical of low EQ. We all know to avoid this situation as much as possible.
What most people don't understand is that enduring internal injuries to make others comfortable is also a sign of low emotional intelligence.
Because pleasing yourself is often more important than pleasing others.
So, don't believe in the nonsense that "high EQ is to make others comfortable".
When you have already lived without self, it will be even worse if you use repression and grievance to please others in exchange for the praise of "high emotional intelligence".
The first thing you have to do is to fully understand yourself and understand your emotions, so that you can become a generous, peaceful and smooth person, and then consider the emotions of others, using patience, respect and skills to deal with interpersonal skills skillfully and appropriately. relation.
Responsible to others, more responsible to yourself, make others comfortable, and make yourself more comfortable, this is called high emotional intelligence.
